Ice

Ever since I awoke, I could feel you. Oh, how strange you are, enveloped in your metal hull. Each day, your shape grows clearer. Each day, I can feel the skittering of your feet a bit better. Soon, soon, I’ll be able to see you.

Sasha Dobrov’s fingers felt ice-cold as they stood outside the research station. Even after wearing the thick gloves specially designed for their mission, even after burying said hands in the pockets of their specially designed coat, the planet’s biting chill was impossible to escape. A few days after landing they’d started regretting ever having accepted this mission, but no matter how harsh this environment was, it was still an improvement to their situation back home.  They were one of only a handful of people on this planet. Back home, they could barely form a thought, so loud was the constant chatter of other humans. They’d craved this for so long – to be able to find a spot far from any others at any moment – but each day, as their body ached from the frigid temperatures, these thoughts comforted them a little less.

But luckily, anyone who’d accepted this mission on an isolated research station in an isolated region of an isolated planet covered in nothing but ice was just as reclusive as them. Except, Kacey. Kacey loved ice and making friends and while there was an abundance of the first, she had to work extra hard at making the latter happen. But Kacey was a diligent worker and no matter how much Sasha tried to enforce their solitude, Kacey was determined to connect.

There’s ten of you. Or maybe twelve. It’s hard to keep you apart. You all melt together. The same dull shape. The same dull energy. Except you. There is something so different about you, even if you have the same shape, the same pattern, the same essence as the others. I don’t know what it is. My senses aren’t sharp enough to figure it out yet. But I need to figure it out. I need to get to you. Need to touch you, smell you, taste you. It is all I can think about.

“Good morning, Sasha!” aforementioned social anomaly Kacey Abrahams said with a smile that split her face, visible even behind her visor.

Their helmets had been specially designed to show as much of the face as possible, with a big visor and lights illuminating the face from inside. Sasha hated this new model. No matter how they turned their head, people could still see their face. With the old helmets, they’d perfected tilting their head just right so no one suspected their look of disgust as they were forced to interact with others – one of their small pleasures in life – but that finely honed skill was now useless.

“How are you doing, today?” Kacey asked and genuinely meant it.

Sasha simply grumbled, looking away from Kacey so they wouldn’t have to reciprocate her sickening smile. There wasn’t much to look out at, however, just mountains and mountains of ice.

“I’m excited for the analysis to finally be done tonight!” Kacey continued as if Sasha had returned the question, which they deliberately hadn’t. “And a tad bit sad Antonia and Sybil are leaving us tomorrow. Time passed so quickly!”

Thank God Antonia and Sybil were leaving. Fewer people to have mind-numbing conversations with. And while Sybil was a perfectly fine human being to have in one’s vicinity, Antonia tried to micromanage everyone’s time to maximize their efficiency. That morning, before they’d woken up, Sasha had already gotten their updated list of tasks for the remaining duration of the mission with precise descriptions of when each sub-task had to be finished. How Antonia wanted to guarantee these deadlines were met, Sasha had no idea.

“You’re one of the last ones leaving, right?” Kacey continued. “As much as I love this mission, I could never volunteer for that. It would just be too quiet around here with only three people left. The ice already makes me uncomfortable with how it creaks at night, and I say that as someone who looooves ice. This one’s gives me the heebie-jeebies. There’s just something wrong about it.”

“I don’t mind the quiet,” Sasha replied, hoping Kacey would get the hint, which of course she never did.

Sasha headed for the drone terminals they’d been assigned to for the day, taking wide steps so Kacey would have difficulty following them.

“Don’t you think there’s something strange about the noise the ice makes? I think there’s something strange. Never heard it creak quite like this anywhere else.”

“It’s ice. On an alien planet. And we are drilling into it. What else should it sound like?”

“I don’t know. Less… creepy.”

Sasha let that linger between them as they listened to the perfectly normal crunch the snow made underneath their feet while they walked away from the station’s entrance.

“Haha, or maybe I’m just going a bit coo-coo,” Kacey continued with an uncomfortable chuckle. “The cold’s been messing with my brain, I think. Wish we could take a break and teleport back home for a day. Just to de-ice our skeletons a bit.”

I’m not sure when you arrived. I’ve been sleeping for so long, I barely recognise the sky above. But there was an abrupt rumbling; a shaking deep inside my core. Something I’d never felt before. I didn’t know what it was. I’m still not sure I truly understand, but I know it’s because of you that I awoke. Suddenly there you were, your metal hull anchored to the planet’s surface, bolted tight to the ice. At first, I didn’t want to stay awake, wanted desperately to return to my oblivion, but your damned rumbling kept me from my slumber. If I could have gotten out of the ice then, I’m not sure what I would have done to you and your flock. It certainly wouldn’t have been kind. You filled me with a blinding rage but with every passing day, with every second spent in solitude, the rage subsided and all that was left was boredom. I couldn’t move, couldn’t see, I could barely hear, but I could feel you. Beneath the rumble there you were. Your pitter-patter, incessant, as if you didn’t sleep. I suppose one of you was always awake, doing whatever you came here for. The thinner the ice gets, the better I can sense you, and soon I’ll be able to touch you.

To Sasha’s chagrin, the day continued with Kacey’s babbling. The task they’d been assigned to – helping the drones map the area the research station inhabited – took much longer than anticipated. Something was disturbing the drones’ programme but they couldn’t figure out what it was. They’d calibrated it to ignore the micro-vibrations the drill caused but no matter how they adjusted the programme, the distortions didn’t want to disappear.

They compared it to the satellite mappings they’d done before choosing the landing site. As predicted, the surface looked identical except for where they’d disturbed it, but something was strange inside the ice. More than likely, the drill’s vibrations were stronger than assumed, even if they couldn’t be felt by a human body – they had to be messing with the scans more than predicted – but Kacey’s incessant yapping that something was “really, really wrong” had unwillingly anchored itself at the back of Sasha’s mind.

Kacey finally quieted down when, in the evening, they learned that the samples they’d sent back to the main base had come back exactly as expected. Nothing strange going on inside the ice after all. Just water and rare minerals some rich bozo thought of as they wanked themselves to sleep.

After good news came bad ones, as Kacey revealed she’d organised a surprise farewell party for Antonia and Sybil. She unleashed the announcement so abruptly that Sasha didn’t have the time to think of an excuse not to join. All their usual cover stories didn’t work in such an enclosed environment. They couldn’t pretend to have a secret pet or that someone at home was sick or that they had to get up extra early in the morning, and Sasha suspected that even if any of those had been plausible, Kacey wouldn’t have accepted them anyway.

All that remained to save them was the nightly equipment checks outside the station that no one else wanted to do. It was a hassle to get in and out of the suits and they barely protected from the cold, especially not deep at night, but Sasha didn’t mind. Or, more accurately, the cold was more bearable than the shrill laughter inside. And they did truly enjoy the endless dark that devoured their torch’s light. Sometimes they would switch off all lights, even those inside their suit, and just stare into the distance until their eyes invented colours that didn’t really exist.

There you are.

But lately, something hadn’t felt right. It felt as if something was staring back, which didn’t make any sense at all. Their team were the only living beings on this planet, nothing could survive these temperatures naturally. Well, their readings had shown some extremophiles in the ice but those could hardly “stare back”. It must just be their brain inventing the feeling, Kacey’s unwarranted anxiety overtaking them. Humanity had never managed to completely get rid of its origins. A dark night still meant danger, no matter how unlikely that danger was. But they knew that nothing besides them existed on this planet. They were completely alone.

I can feel you. Why don’t you ever come closer?

And yet, that feeling ruined a moment that used to be perfectly pleasant. Sasha switched their torch back on and hurried to finish their tasks but turning their back to the dark suddenly felt worse than staring into it. They cursed their body and its foolish needs. There was nothing hunting them, nothing that could spell doom if they didn’t keep an eye on it.

It had to be the freezing cold and drilling getting to them. Although the executives had assured the team they wouldn’t notice the machines’ continual operation, Sasha was convinced that wasn’t true. Sure, they couldn’t hear or see it, but they could feel it. Not noticeably, not with their skin, but it was deep down in their bones. A constant unease making them itchy from inside. As if all of existence was trembling.

Sasha sighed a breath of relief as the exterior door clunked shut behind them. The bright lights of the acclimation bay eased their restlessness as they slid out of their suit. Surprising even themselves, they decided to return to the party. They were hungry and if they wanted more than dry crackers, they would have to tolerate the others’ company for a bit.

Why do you always leave me? I’m getting bored of this game. You don’t let me slumber and yet you refuse to entertain me? To join me? To ease my pain? You torture me and still expect me to stay silent? Why do you prefer their company? There’s nothing they can give you that’s special. That I can’t give you a million fold. You return to their lifeless, tiresome company and leave me to the endless dark and I should forgive you for this?

Two weeks later, only six workers remained. The station was almost ready for full automation, only a few things remained to be wrapped up. The next group would leave in two weeks, then Sasha and two others would stay for the final week. Sasha couldn’t await the solitude eagerly enough.

The first few days after Antonia and Sybil’s departure had been heavenly. The station had been plunged into a silence they’d never experienced before but, of course, Sasha’s relief couldn’t last. Sasha grew increasingly irritated by the other researchers’ presence and by the time the next group left, they’d developed a habit of eating most meals alone in their room. Group tasks become rarer, and they spent most of their time on their own.

Sasha didn’t quite understand why it had gotten so bad for them. They’d never liked company back home but now it made them physically sick. Maybe because true solitude seemed so close and yet was impossible to achieve. Maybe their body reached for something that could never truly exist so desperately that it ate itself alive.

What made the situation worse, was that Kacey had redoubled her efforts to befriend Sasha with a new, unwelcome fervour.

“You know what I really miss?” she sighed as she leaned back against the grid fence separating humans from machinery.

“Hmm?” Sasha replied, a headache already forming in the back of their skull.

They were staring down at a console that showed the drill’s operation data, testing its limits and stress resistance.

“Hot chocolate,” Kacey replied, staring up at the ceiling. “I just think cold weather and hot chocolate go hand in hand. When you’re cold, you have to have hot chocolate.”

“The food dispenser makes hot chocolate.” Sasha frowned down at the graphs on the monitor. The data was fine, nothing suspicious at all.

So little had gone wrong on this mission, it almost felt surreal. It could have been perfect if only Sasha had been sent here on their own. They could’ve managed it; the mission would just have taken longer. Even group tasks didn’t strictly need a second worker; it was mostly because of safety protocols that the workers weren’t sent out alone.

In the past few days, they’d started playing with the idea of staying on the planet after the end of the mission. Just them, none of their colleagues. They weren’t sure yet how they’d do it, how they could convince their superiors that further supervision was needed. Maybe if they tempered with the drill’s test results? Just a little, nothing that would make them concerned, just enough to justify them staying behind. They’d graciously volunteer. Of course, they wouldn’t want their colleagues to be forced to stay longer than intended. Everyone wanted to return to their own lives. But Sasha would sacrifice themselves for the mission, just for a little bit. A week or two. Maybe a month if the results weren’t conclusive.

“Not with real milk!” Kacey whined, ripping Sasha out of their fantasy. “I miss real milk. I miss real hot chocolate. This rehydrated stuff just doesn’t taste the same.”

Sasha was already tired of this absolutely unnecessary conversation. Kacey didn’t even need to be there. She’d just randomly decided to tag along.

“And it’s best when you melt real chocolate! Have you had hot chocolate with real chocolate? It’s heavenly!”

Sasha closed their eyes, their mouth running dry as they gripped the edge of the console tightly. Kacey was starting to make them ill, and Sasha didn’t know how to push her away without drawing more unwanted attention. They had to endure the suffering she brought upon them, and hope she’d grow bored soon. But for how long would Sasha be able to take it? Kacey was leaving in two weeks. The potential of two weeks filled with this incessant yapping turned Sasha’s blood ice cold.

“I know chocolate is extinct on earth but there’s new varieties in the colonies. They’re really not that bad! Come very close to the original. You ought to try it sometime!”

Sasha just hummed in response, feeling the veins pulsing in their neck.

I should not have grown angry at you. Not while you are unaware of my presence. I’ve missed you. I did not know I could miss someone so much. As if a part of me had been ripped out and thrown to the void. I accused you of torturing me, but I have done worse to myself. I wanted to teach you a lesson but have only hurt myself. No more! My senses are fixed on you. You, and only you.  Not long now and I’ll be free. I’ll be able to show myself to you. I have noticed that your flock has grown smaller. I do not know if it’s because of death or if they simply left but I welcome the change. Fewer distractions. It’s gotten so much easier to focus solely on you. To memorise your movement, your heat, the pulsing of your life. Oh, how I long to touch you. To meld with you. To melt into you. Become one so we’ll never be apart again. The time is approaching but not fast enough. The ice is breaking but not fast enough! It should be faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster. I need to see you now!

“Once we’re done with the mission, we’ll go get one together,” Kacey said with a big smile.

“Sure,” Sasha replied, hoping it would finally satisfy Kacey.

“All of us! As a big reunion! There’s a great place at the Damocles base that makes sublime hot chocolate. It’s a bit pricey, but I think we deserve to treat ourselves after months of not buying anything at all.”

Sasha’s heart pulsed through their entire body and their eyes glazed over as their jaw tightened. Their hand was gripping the console’s dial, feeling its ridges burying into their skin.

“Wait, do you feel that?” Kacey suddenly asked with a frown.

Sasha stopped breathing, concentrating on what might be wrong. They didn’t feel it at first but then, there it was. So faint it barely pierced through the pulsing of their blood. The station was shaking.

“What’s happening?” Kacey whispered as she pushed away from the grid fence.

Sasha’s eyes focused enough to see the numbers rapidly climbing on the monitor. The charts were climbing into the oranges, then reds, until warning messages popped up.

“The drill is overclocking,” Sasha grumbled and turned the dial down before typing in some commands.

“Oh no! How’s that possible?” Kacey asked, concern carved into her face as she came to stand next to Sasha. “It shouldn’t escalate this quickly!”

“I know,” Sasha replied between gritted teeth.

Kacey was so close. Sasha could feel her breath on their neck and it almost made them want to vomit. They were typing furiously but no command they entered changed anything about the drill’s state.

Soon.

A shrill noise emerged from deep within the station’s core, reverberating through the metal. Barely audible at first, then loud enough to blur Sasha’s vision once more.

“Oh God! What is happening?!” Kacey was frozen in place as she stared past the fence into the darkness of the drill’s shaft. “We have to shut it down!”

“I’m trying!”

Sasha could have strangled Kacey right then and there. She was entirely useless, a complete waste of air. She couldn’t even save herself if she had to. Their group was trained in all possible safety procedures, including radical ones that shut the entire station down. There was no reason for Kacey to simply stand around and do absolutely nothing.

I can feel you. You’re so close.

The metal around them started to groan, rattling enough that Sasha had to hold on to the console. Voices shouted over their comms system, but Sasha couldn’t understand what they were saying. A crash resounded from far away, shaking the ground beneath their feet.

“Oh God, what are we gonna do?!” Thick tears were running down Kacey’s face as she held on to Sasha’s arm. “This shouldn’t be happening! What is going on? What’s happening to the station?”

So, so close.

“Shut up,” Sasha grumbled.

There had to be something else they could do. They didn’t want to pull the plug and plunge the station into total darkness. It would shut all systems off and let the cold in, they needed to find something to avoid that.

 “W-what?” Kacey asked, looking at them in bewilderment.

“SHUT UP!” Sasha shouted and pushed Kacey away.

They are all just a distraction.

Kacey lost her grasp on Sasha’s arm and fell back against the fence, her head hitting it hard. She gripped on tight as the shaking intensified and as she opened her eyes to stare at Sasha in hurt and confusion, the bolts holding the fence fell out.

Kacey’s arm shot out and if Sasha had truly tried, had leapt forward in disregard of their own safety, they might have saved her. But the thought only crossed their mind as the fence dragged Kacey into the void.

I can finally smell you. You are so delicious. A scent I have never smelt before. So sweet and so rotten. I want to envelop you. Digest you. Make us one.

I have never wanted anything more since the dawning of time.

Sasha ran to the emergency switch at the other end of the room, fumbling for the key that hung around their neck. In one motion, they plugged it into its socket, turned it and plunged the station into darkness. The drill came to a creaking halt, the metal groaning underneath the residual vibration. Immediately, the cold started creeping in as the temperature regulator stopped. A second later, and the low emergency lights switched on.

With a shaking hand, Sasha reached towards their comms unit.

“H-hello?” Their voice creaked out. “Pavel? Daniel?”

Only silence answered.

Slowly, the metal quieted. Sasha had never felt so still in their life. The station wasn’t shaking anymore, even the drill’s barely noticeable vibrations had disappeared.

“Is anyone there?” They asked with a dry mouth.

Beneath all the panic and fear, a small feeling grew in the pit of their stomach. Bliss spread through their bones like mold, taking over every corner it could touch. They closed their eyes and breathed in, letting their comms unit fall to the ground. They stepped out of the drill’s control room, climbing over the parts of the station that had collapsed. They headed to the exit and slipped into one of the suits before snow crunched beneath their feet.

I can see you